A doctor standing in line at the Pearly Gates grew impatient, and cut to the front to ask St. Peter to let him in. St. Peter explained no one gets special treatment in Heaven, and put him back in line.

After waiting awhile longer, the doctor again grew impatient and tried to cut the line. Again St. Peter put him back in line.

Suddenly he noticed someone with a stethoscope and doctor's bag march right to the front of the line and stroll into Heaven. Incensed, he stomped up to St. Peter and demanded to know why that other doctor was allowed in.

St. Peter smiled and replied, "You don’t understand. That was God. Sometimes He like to play Doctor."

Jesus and Satan had an argument as to who is the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power was restored and God announced that the contest is over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody know...Jesus saves."

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other in a park for a hundred years. One day, an angel came to visit them and said since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters they would be rewarded with a half an hour of human life to do whatever they have wanted most.

The two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, laughed a bit and said, "Shall we?" and "Yes, let's do!" They dashed for the bushes, from which shortly was heard giggling, laughter and the shaking of branches.

After a quarter hour, they came out from the bushes all hot, flustered, and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn’t they start all over again.

The statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "Ok, let's do it again. Only this time we'll do it the other way around -- YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn’t it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

"Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh!" the startled witness said. "I thought he was talking to you."

A man went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man’s face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asked.

"Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

A seaman met a pirate in a bar, and they took of them took turns talking about their adventures on the sea. The seaman noted that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replied, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into the school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow" said the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seamen. "How did you get the eyepatch?" "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment but I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

"Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can’t possibly pay you in that time."

"OK," the doctor said, "let’s make it NINE months."

If you get too open-minded, your brains fall out.

Mental floss prevents moral decay.

Madness takes its toll, so please have exact change.

Ever stop to think . . . and then forget to start again?

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggy," until you find a big rock.

Just remember to look out for number one, and not step in number two.

After completing his annual physical checkup, Mr. Harris was informed that he was going to need a very expensive operation and then at least a year to recuperate.

Mr. Harris was desperate. "I just can’t afford an operation like that. Especially if it means that I will be out of work for a year. Isn’t there something else you can do for me?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I could always have your X-rays retouched."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’."

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting. "What’s the quickest way to York?"

The local man scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?," he asked the stranger.

"I’m driving."

"Well, that’s the quickest way."

"Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I’m alive. I’m writing slowly, because I know you can’t read fast. You won’t know the house when you come home: we’ve moved. About your father, he’s got a new job. He now has 500 people working under him. He’s supervising the big cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I do not know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the distillery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off. We cremated him, and it took three days to put out the fire.

I went to the doctor Thursday. Your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth, and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from him. We now have a washing machine in the house we moved into, but it isn’t working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts in, pulled the chain, and haven’t seen them since.

It only rained twice last week, first for three days, then for four. Monday, it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from our undertaker yesterday. He said if we do not pay the last installment on your grandmother within ten days, up she comes!

Your loving Mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, but I’d already sealed the envelope."