TEACHER: "I want you to spell mouse."

STUDENT: "M-O-U-S."

TEACHER: "But what's on the end?"

STUDENT: "A tail."

A second grader came home from school and said, "Hey Mom, today we learned how to make babies."

A bit surprised and fearful, the mother asked "Really? What did you learn?"

Her daughter happily announced, "Easy, you drop the y and add ies!"

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class session on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression," he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother’s son?"

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of the same name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped, "Tee hee, Brutus."

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his classroom and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. What does that mean to you?"

After a moment of silence, one student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does that mean?"

"It means that the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

Miss Figpot was giving a lesson to her first grade class. "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?," she asked.

Little Johnny jumped up and announced to the class, "Big hands!"

• "Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growling part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, ‘Bless your little heart,’ and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"